So after all our excitement, before we even made it to the doctor for the first appointment, we got some bad news. I miscarried at 6 weeks 3 days.
It’s hard to describe how that feels. It’s a bit like we had won the lottery and had already quit our jobs and started planning how to spend the money, then two weeks later got a phone call saying actually your ticket was one number out – you had never won at all.
A miscarriage is a loss of pregnancy before 20 weeks. I always knew the first trimester was the first hurdle we had to get through. One in five pregnancies end in miscarriage, which seems like a huge number – and once you do miscarry, you realize just how common it is. It’s like you become part of a secret miscarriage club. Suddenly everyone you confide in seems to have gone through the same thing, or knows someone who has.
Apparently between 50 and 60 percent of first trimester miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities in the fertilized egg. This is often because the egg or sperm had the wrong number of chromosomes, and as a result of this the fertilized egg can’t develop normally.
In some ways it’s reassuring to know this. There’s nothing that we could or should have done differently. It just happens sometimes.
My feelings about our miscarriage seem to change everyday. At first I felt despondent. It was hard to take in what the doctor was saying. I just sobbed. The thought of having to tell our families was painful; we had literally just told them we were pregnant.
On top of that, the thought of having to tell work I wouldn’t be in was making me fret. Should I tell them what really happened? Then they’ll know I’m trying to get pregnant. Will they think my mind is completely baby focused and I’m not as dedicated as my peers?
In the end I decided just to be honest and explain what had happened, and it was the best thing I could have done. Just talking about it seemed like a huge weight off my chest.
By saying out loud what happened it really helped me to accept the situation. I didn’t feel a sense of loss, just misfortune. For a couple of days I felt really strong. I was dealing with it well. Even thinking about it wasn’t making me feel sad.
Then a few days later I had random outbursts of tears. One minute I would be laughing and then all of a sudden would start crying like a crazy woman! Maybe it was hormones, or maybe just the reality kicking in.
For the last few days the main thing that has been playing on my mind is that we now have to start trying all over again.
It took so long to get pregnant in the first place, and it was short lived. I remember how stressful it was, and how disappointing it felt every month to get my period. I thought we were done with that.
But in spite of that, I’m feeling hopeful now. I now know that we can get pregnant naturally – it was always a question mark hanging over me. Now we know we can get to that stage, I’m confident we’ll do it again. And next time we’ll just hope for better luck.
For anyone else who has gone through the same thing, I’m sorry that it didn’t work out. Stay positive, keep trying, we’ll get there.